what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
