What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize