2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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