cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
