This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
