I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
