I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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