You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize