Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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