Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
