So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
