Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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