Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
