I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
