I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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