yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
