cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
