My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
