We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
