dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I enjoy the company of your penis
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
