I want to stick my p in your. b.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
