I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
