Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
