seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
