Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
