If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
