I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I want a musical about memes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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