I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
ttyl tear gas
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
