she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
