I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
