no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
