Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
