life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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