i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize