theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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