I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
