They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
