Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
