WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
