My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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