I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
