Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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