your thong is hanging out like whoa
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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