My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
