My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
