Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
