Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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