cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
