She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
