I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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