i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
